Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Green mimosas i think yes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
