i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
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