apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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