dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
