you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
