I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
