i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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