so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
someone owes me an orgasm
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
