my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
