I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
