in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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