Already got asked if we're dating
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
