We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
