This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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