my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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