Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
