I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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