Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize