I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
