saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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