What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
