Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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