If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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