for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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