So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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