i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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