If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
someone owes me an orgasm
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My bed smells like the plague
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
