It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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