I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
