I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
