You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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