I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
