i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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