woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Buhtt sex?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
