my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have already put on my inside pants.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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