I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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