not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
