Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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