his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
