Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
