Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
