Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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