Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
