And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
