What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
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Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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