the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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