The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
