you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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