i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
