I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes