He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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