my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
