im six kinds of drunk right now
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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